Monday, October 8, 2012

Reflections on the Road Ahead

The conference this weekend was wonderful. Each and every session was enlightening and brought a measure of peace I haven't felt in a long while. I went into conference with a few specific questions, and while I did not get direct answers to all of them, I felt that I had gained the strength and guidance on how I could eventually reach these answers. I was able to spend some time with my family, which was wonderful. It is the first time we have been together since I talked to them about everything, and it was so good to be able to be comfortable around them. They are wonderful and I love them.
It really has been a blessed weekend and I should be filling incredible right now. For some reason, however, I feel more vulnerable than I have in a long time. I don't know what it is. I started feeling it on the drive home from conference and it has been building ever since. I feel insecure and claustrophobic around everyone, while simultaneously desperately hoping that someone will hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I want understanding without explanation. I want companionship, but believe it is unattainable. I want to rest but the road is so long.
The darkest part has already passed, though, and I am feeling better. The feelings of vulnerability and confusion are still there, but they led me to a critical revelation. As I went for a drive to seek out a feeling of safety I headed towards the temple. As I drove, I prayed to God and expressed the desires of my heart. In the past, I have always most intensely desired to be free from my struggles. I wanted to be fixed, and I wanted it now. As I have learned to trust God more on my journey, I eventually relinquished the timetable, but the desire was still the same. I progressed from wanting to free from unwanted attractions immediately to wanting to be free on God's time.
Tonight, however, a miracle occurred. The desire of my heart was to know what God wanted me to do. For the first time my deepest desire is to know God's will-no matter what it is.
While I still face dark feelings and insecurities, I find comfort in knowing that I am slowly learning to align my will with God's. I am learning to remove the pavilions that I have built which separate me from God. I do not know what lies on the road ahead. I do know, however, that I can trust God to lead me if I seek it diligently enough. And for perhaps the first time in my life, I want to know His will strongly enough that I will do what I need to to receive His guidance.
So no, I did not receive the direct answers that I was seeking after this General Conference. But I did gain a stronger desire to continually seek His will, and perhaps that is a greater gift than I could have imagined asking for.

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